My Deafness Experience - Evie Waddell
Hiya, I’m Evie Waddell. I’m on the BMus Traditional Music Course at the RCS, and I’ve just finished my third year (yay?). What some of you may not know, or remember about me, is I am deaf in one ear and I identify as both hearing and deaf. Life has been quite challenging to hear since I lost 92% of my hearing in my right ear (age eleven). Right before High School, which was “brilliant” timing I know.
Here, I’ll be talking about my denial of my deafness, my acceptance of my deafness, how this relates to music, and the need for equality and respect when it comes to deaf/hard of hearing people.
Let’s start off with some classic denial…
From the age of 11 to 18 I struggled with my hearing. I was young and thought it would get fixed somehow and was disinterested in being on top of my hearing medical history. I tried to avoid the whole issue and how it might be affecting me, which I now regret.
In High School I told my “friends” I have one ear that hears. Little jokes and pranks were made daily that all mounted up against my confidence. They would love testing my hearing capabilities for some reason, checking how deaf I am by seeing if I could hear them saying rude things about me, giving me frights, and making me feel embarrassed that I didn’t sense the sounds of them approaching or creeping up on me. Sometimes I even enjoyed doing this party trick because I really needed them to believe me that I couldn’t always hear. I knew they were definitely laughing at me and talking about me. With this, my confidence decreased, and I closed inward. Teachers were not aware, because I never told them, because I didn’t want to admit this so strongly, as teenagers want to “fit in” and “be normal”. I didn’t even blame my hearing – I just thought I was a poor listener or I got distracted……it was such a noisy social environment and the speed of the conversations in groups was so fast….
For a long time, I was very hesitant to learn BSL and join lip reading classes. I thought it was “just” for old folks. It was when I left High School that I started to take it seriously, reasons being, because I was away from the bullying that was based on my hearing (among other things). It was nice to have a fresh start when I studied at the School of Contemporary Dance in Dundee. Through dance I found another “voice” and started to process some discrimination I faced for being deaf. We were asked to use some of our very personal challenges as a stimulus for choreography. I think then I started to accept the extent of my loss of hearing and the different ways it affects me. When I began my music degree, I knew that this would be the biggest challenge so far and part of this would be the chore of having to constantly advocate for myself and additional needs. Now, so far, I haven’t been very successful in reminding staff and peers of my deafness, although I have done it a bit more than before.
My music related deafness experience
When I started at the RCS my principal instrument was the clarsach. However, it is such a quiet instrument that I found the experience distressing, especially when playing in a group where I can’t hear myself against bagpipes or pianos. Luckily, there are some things that help as I’ve benefited from using an amp for my clarsach. I place it so it is facing towards me, however, I can’t always get over the embarrassment of my own needs! I don’t want to be demanding and say exactly how the other musicians and tutors could re-position or give music in advance etc. I have a long way to go.
I’ll just say, I’m very glad that highland bagpipes aren’t miked up! And though some deaf people enjoy bagpipes, I do not. Studying traditional music, I hear noises coming out of nowhere and everywhere, left, right and centre, well not so much the right side. I can get unbalanced, agitated by noise sometimes.
Sessions are a staple for the trad music scene and are for most people a very sociable and equitable way to play music, but for me they feel isolating as I can’t hear if I’m in tune and the sound can be disorganised making it difficult to join in. Another wee thought I had was, why do I as someone who has been deafened, find it easier to learn music by ear? Is this surprising? Or maybe I just prefer the humanness of learning a tune with people instead of reading music alone? Is this a result of being isolated and wanting more communication? Also, when it comes to listening to music, I didn’t know until quite recently that you can get headphones that put all of the sound into one of your ears, this is fab, and wish I’d known this sooner. When you are hard of hearing you always have the feeling that there is knowledge that you haven’t heard….
A side note on sessions, and deafness aside, is that singers can left out. There aren’t many song sessions and many people dislike singers singing at “normal” sessions. It’s hard to jump in and sing when all these heavy instruments are pacing through a fast-intense tune.
Moving on to the environment of a tech rehearsal, I know I should introduce myself to whoever is doing the sound for each gig and let them know I’m deaf. I But it can be tricky to tell people I’ve just met - I don’t know why…… Pointless shame? I want to tell them that having monitors facing me is fundamental. Also, if I’m performing with peers then I want to be on the right side of them so I can hear them with my left ear. Additionally, that horrible noise when unplugging mics in the wrong order is startling and panics me as I’m very conscious of losing more hearing, so please do it right!
Recently I changed my focus to being a “singer” and there is something about being deaf and singing and feeling the vibration of your body and hearing yourself that is freeing and fascinating. I’m communicating better as last, and it’s not too dependent on a response. But for deaf musicians, long hours of practice in isolation is yet more isolation…….
In lectures I find the PowerPoint presentations are too fast! I can’t take accurate notes because I don’t want to take my eyes off the lecturer’s mouth, as I fear I’ll miss something (even if it’s boring, I try very hard to catch every word). And I can’t look at what’s on the screen because I’m focusing on lip reading, so I hope I don’t miss different information that’s on there. I feel like saying “talk more clearly, and less. Get to the point. Don’t tire me out”. I have tried using a dictaphone, but I have to admit I’m lazy to go this extra mile just in case I missed something and using it isn’t the easiest or most fun way to learn.
Numerous times my mum advised me not to mention my deafness until after I get accepted into opportunities – we just don’t trust that people will think music is possible with this disability. I’m often scared that organisations won’t hire me if I tell them I’m deaf, as they don’t know how to deal with that. Neither do I really!
It’s important to note the bright side of being hard of hearing
I’m still very new to being a part of the deaf community and have lots to learn about the culture, which I’m excited and nervous about. I shouldn’t be nervous, I know, but I seem to want to be a confident BSL signer straight away, and the community seems so strong and tight.
I’m not sure of the statistics, but it feels to me that my deafness aids my memory skills. This is probably because I have to concentrate so hard on what is being said…….
I don’t know if this is a deaf thing, but I love bassy sounds and vibrations. Perhaps I rely on the vibrations more…. But these sounds give me great visceral joy.
I have discovered celebrities that are deaf, some from birth, some just for a short while. I’m inspired by model, activist and actress Jamilla Jamill, musician/drummer Eveyln Glennie, and Academy award winning actress Marlee Matlin. I would love everyone to educate themselves a bit more around deaf culture., me included.
Learning BSL has helped me communicate soooo much. I’ve met lovely people that have BSL and provided me with some very exciting work opportunities. I worked with Theatre Gu Leor translating Gaidhlig songs and stories into BSL with mentorship from the legendary Catherine King and help from Emma McGowan. I see a connection between these two minority languages and hope to explore this much more in future projects! Thought I’d attach link to an interview clip with Jamie Rea for the show MAIM. The plan to tour 2021!
Feelings…
Being deaf I have sometimes felt stupid, silent, and slow when it comes to learning and conversations. Sometimes I struggle to communicate with speech because I have spent half my life tense and overly focused on hearing others at home, at work, at school, and I get too frustrated to gather words together. The sound of my speech sounds funny to me. I sometimes think I sound like a deaf person, whatever that means? Also, when it comes to speaking in Gaidhlig my accent feels even stranger. But also, the Stirling accent is a weird one haha.
Also, maybe I am still slightly in denial about the scale of my deafness. It is hard to tell when its anxiety and paranoia, and what am I actually hearing. It’s hard to know how much information I’ve missed.
There is often fear. Fear that people may not believe I am deaf, as I seem to function “normally”. As well as the fear of mis-hearing, there’s fear that I may have to speak up and bother everyone else and slow down their learning. The idea of constantly reminding people I’m deaf is exhausting and still uncomfortable to repeatedly sort of come out as problematic in other people’s eyes.
My deafness experience during lockdown
Zoom is challenging to hear. Socially distancing makes hearing and playing music with others harder. Using the phone is okay for me as I can put it to my one ear that hears. However, the connection of the line may be poor, and I may start to doubt my hearing capabilities because I can’t see them to lip read to check.
Lockdown is especially hard for many deaf people who use other senses like touch and sight quite heavily, and its simply easier for deaf people to sign with actual people physically present. So much of communication is in body language. 3D bodies that is.
I am quite tired and anxious playing these zoom guessing games of what did I hear.
Steps moving forward.
· I’d like to advocate for more interactive learning. I believe everybody should try different methods of learning and more often. For example, using our bodies (e.g. dance) to learn music. Another interactive idea is having discussions instead of listening to a lecturer talk for an hour non stop. Where are the discussions? The humane interactions and growth of that!
· I hope to get better at acknowledging when I’m struggling to communicate and remember to take a breath and try not to get too frustrated or panicky.
· I’ve realised that I prefer small groups for socialising and music making, it works better, easier, less stress and confusion of looking around at the sound bouncing around like basketball passes. I did love the idea of big groups but in reality, it’s too much.
· I will take on my doctor’s advice, as every little helps:
Use ear plugs in both my ears when going in water
Cover up and protect my ears from the wind by using a hat
Don’t try to get wax out by prodding
Wear ear defenders in loud situations
This relates to everyone:
1. Please protect your ear/s! Please think about others around you before you play extremely loud music.
2. Remember that disabilities/abilities are often not visible but still exist.
3. When talking to a deaf or hard of hearing person please talk at a slowish speed (not patronising) and you don’t need to open your mouth crazy large, as this doesn’t help us get familiar with your lip pattern, even my own family and close friends forget these things.
4. Everyone would benefit from learning in a more interactive way. It isn’t a big hassle, if in classrooms and meetings we organise the chairs into a circle so that we can all see each other and therefore communicate in an easier, more accessible way. So, let’s change the spacing and seating arrangements to be more open.
5. I would like to see everyone learning sign language. Its fun and expressive and helps many people who can hear but have difficulty processing. It makes sense. Apparently, it is now law that all school children will learn it, I think.
6. And lastly, deaf musicians exist and please collaborate and include them
Thank you!
